Perception

What we see when we look at anything, be it the simple or the divine is often colored by our perception of what should be. In the minds of most of us is the idea of the ideal. It’s our perception. Recently I have been struggling mightily with what I perceive my life to be right now. I moved back to my home state and city after several years in Washington state. While I was very financially successful in Seattle, life as I wanted it to be when I moved there, never materialized for me. I can’t really tell you why, just that it didn’t. I had friends, not as close as the ones I left behind, but good people who I enjoyed spending time with. I had a girlfriend who, though not perfect wanted a life with me. I had a good job that though stressful and often requiring much more time from me than most jobs, afforded me a certain lifestyle that I enjoyed. It was a recipe for success if ever there was one, and yet there was something missing. I often attributed it to my overall struggle with simple contentment. I have always been one to strive in different ways for things I don’t yet have. Not material things, but an idea of who and what I should be, and being in Seattle didn’t provide that. It had its moments, and I wasn’t miserable or hating life, it just felt emptier really then it should have. For such a busy life it lacked a fullness I expected to discover when I moved there.

Moving back to Alaska wasn’t an easy choice. I looked at as many different contingencies and scenarios as I knew how to, and above everything else, I prayed. A lot. I didn’t know if Alaska was the right place for me, but I knew Seattle no longer was, and that change was necessary. It’s now been a couple of years since I got home. A long couple of years. Funny how our sense of time changes based on our mood isn’t it? The good times, the fun times, the times you want to freeze in suspended animation to enjoy forever? Those times rush by, moving so fast that we scarcely see them before they’re gone. The hard times, the times we struggle, the times we have difficulty even breathing? Those times can linger long after they’re gone, to infect the next moments, and the next and the ones after that. So how do we avoid that? How do we get past those moments with grace and our happiness intact?

The Word says The joy of the Lord is our strength. There is a passage in the Bible, Nehemiah 8:10, that describes a moment when a gathering of Israelites was weeping while the Book of the Law of God was being read to them. I don’t know what was in the book but whatever it was, the Bible says ALL the people had been weeping. That’s pretty powerful stuff.  Nehemiah, a man named Ezra, and a group of Levites told the people to go and eat and drink and be merry more or less because that day was holy to the Lord, and Nehemiah says then, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” How many times do our circumstances do to us what the Book of the Law of God was doing to those Israelites? I know there are times when even if I’m not actually weeping I certainly feel like doing so. And for what? How often does our perception of our circumstances effect how we feel and what we see as reality? And this brings me to my original point. What we believe things should be, often colors what actually is. Good and bad. When Jesus died on the cross for us it wasn’t just forgiveness and eternal life we were granted. He gave us the power over death and sin that He has.

If our circumstances dictate to us how we should feel, what we should do, how we should move forward, the enemy sees openings to attack us. To fill our heads with a wrong perception of what should be. What should be, for believers at least, is exactly what is, as directed by our Father who tells us He works ALL things for the good for those that love him.  There is no trick to that. The difficulty lies in our Faith in His direction for us, and how hard it is to see outside our circumstances to understand what He has coming down the path for us. I’ve always thought if I could just see a little further down the road how much easier would it be then to follow along. But that isn’t Faith. That’s Thomas saying “Lord I’m gonna need to poke those holes and make sure it’s you.” And Thomas was one of the Disciples for goodness sake! He walked with Jesus for three years. Saw miracles performed on the fly, and still he needed to see and touch to believe. We should never compare our lives to anyone else’s and certainly not our struggles, but I can’t pretend I don’t take at least some small comfort in knowing that my struggle to believe in His plan for my life isn’t so out of the ordinary.

The emptiness I felt in Seattle, that lack of contentment? It wasn’t about what really was, but rather what I thought should be. I want to be married, to have more kids, to have a real home filled with love and laughter and peace. For whatever reason there are times I have great difficulty seeing my life in a positive light. I’m not married so in that at least there is some reality. But I have a son. A wonderful young man who I’ve been proud to raise as a single father for the last 18 years. I have good people in my life that value who I am and what I bring to their lives. I have had wonderful moments of laughter and peace and love, but there is always a part of me that thinks it’s not enough. Ungrateful some would call it. Spoiled perhaps others. I don’t think it’s either. I think it’s the lack of Joy that comes from my Heavenly Father. It’s the idea that my life has to have certain things in it to have real value. That if I’m not married, I’m not loved enough. That if I don’t have more kids to do a better job than I did with the first one that I failed at that so very important task. That if I don’t have a home that somehow I haven’t worked hard enough or been responsible enough with my money to afford one.

The reality is that God created and called me for a purpose. While He has spoken to me and over me that marriage, more kids, and a home are all in my future, that shouldn’t matter. What matters is His purpose for me, not what I want my purpose to be. The truth is that we will always fail at what we want the most if we look to ourselves to attain it. I’ve learned the truth of this many times over the years and yet it’s a lesson I still struggle to remember. Even in the midst of those aforementioned promises the enemy whispers to me all the time it’ll never happen. Why should I believe that, and more importantly, why should it matter? When we finally start to bring our perception in line with God’s then we can start to see the truth of our lives. See the truth of what He has for us. Those things that only He can bring us to.

I’ll leave you with this scripture from Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will”.